Check-in 9 : Less than One Week

     One week left. I can`t believe it. It`s weird because last week I was both happy and sad about leaving. Now, I am just overwhelmed. Realizing how little time I have left has made me question every decision I make. Do I REALLY want this croissant? Because this is my last week, What if this is my last croissant? I should get the croissant. I should get it and I should enjoy it. It's my last week. Maybe I should get this mystery pastry instead. It's my last week. I might never get the chance to try this mystery bread ever again. What if this pastry changes the course of my life? It is 50 cents more expensive. What if later I find something incredible I want to buy and I am 50 cents short? It's my last week. Confused? Me too.

Check-in 8: Taking a Second

     As I said before, I am having some trouble coming to terms with the fact that my "trip of a lifetime" is coming to an end. The last few days have both stressful and amazing because of it, but I am now what I would call "spiritually exhausted". I have been putting my all into getting the most out of these last few days. Realizing every moment: this is the last time I will do...something. I tried to take all opportunities to speak French, talk to people, and engage. Yet, it`s clear I didn't give myself enough time (or mental space) to enjoy it. Every accomplishment or thing to appreciate I noticed, I was thinking about what I would do next. How can I appreciate the next moment? I was stuck in a back and forth mind-set. Reflecting on the past, trying to appreciate the present and plan the future all at once, although I tried, is impossible. I have one single day left of regular courses in France. 4 measly classes. It`s time to just clear my head and enjoy it.

Check-in 7: A Clouded Mind

     This week my brain is overwhelmed with questions as I reflect over my experience here. Only now am I realizing how much I have internalized my new life. I am completely adapted, except for the language. Which continues to be a struggle. However, I am currently writing this is my room, while my "host-cat" is trying to take a nap on my computer. She has clearly gotten used to me too.

     Even though I have been here for four months, going on five, I have already spent one month on vacation. And as of Friday, I am done with all "normal courses". How weird. How scary. As I said, my mind is overflowing. Have I used my time well? What if I hadn't been so lazy during that week of vacation? Have I really made progress? Its hard to except that I have had so little time in school. That there are people and things I may never see again, starting in just a few days. Should I have put it more effort?  Maybe.

   I tell myself that being an exchange student is hard, and that I have seen and experienced so much. I tell myself I have surpassed my own expectations. Yet, I find myself wondering, is it enough? Could have I gone further? Why not a year? And I guess the answer is in the question. The "me" that left my home four months ago thought a month was a long time. That "me" thought a year was too long. That "me" would look at all that I have achieved and experienced in the last four months and say, "OK, that`s good enough. You can relax now." The me I am today, is ready for more.
Stay tuned!

Check-in 6: Is This The End?

     This past week-end was the last AFS week-end during my exchange. The mood was a little low at times, as the theme for the night was our departure. We sat and talked, shared memories, and drew charts, all in the mindset of preparing mentally, to leave it all behind. And I think to myself, as I`m sure everyone else was thinking to: How can we be already talking about leaving? I haven't done enough yet! So I found myself trying to find ways to use the rest of my time here, as well as regretting and resenting the time I wasted around the house. Why didn`t I go out during break? Hop to it! This put me into a very odd place. I spent the week wishing I was staying for the year, and missing home more than ever. The two most contradicting feelings of all time.

However, much like when I arrived, even though this is one stage of leaving ( or coming), there are many to come. I start think now, but really I have a month left of school. After that I have a few weeks before I leave. Then again I leave my host family, but not yet the country. I will leave the country but not yet be home. I will come to The USA and not yet be home. I will come to my state and not yet be home. Eventually my city, and not yet be home. And then I`ll be home. While a part of me stays here, in Maizieres Les Metz.

When I come back to reality, I will be leaving in July. It will be happy and it will be sad. I have been productive and have been lazy. But I can`t change the past. I will use these next weeks to the fullest, and then I will go home and do the same exact thing there, and everywhere else my dreams take me. <3

French Schools vs American Schools

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Check in 5: Landmarks

     Throughout of lives we set goals, make timelines and plans, and it's important to look back and reflect on how far we have come. I`m am at a point, both in my exchange and my life, where a lot of change is happening. I`m reaching several major "landmarks". I am about to reach the halfway mark in my exchange, which seems to be unbelievably short and long at the same time. Honestly, my exchange has defied all laws of time and space. How can it feel too long and too short at the same time? How can I want to go home, and want to stay here at the same time? Again, a lot of change, a lot of conflict and a lot of reflection. But that's not all! I am about to turn 16! An age than in my mind has always been "The Golden Age".  I remember being little and always wanting to be 16 when playing make believe. To me it was the age of cell phones, shopping, going out with friends (sans the parents), an age of true independence and character building. Can it really be here already? It is hard knowing I won't be with my friends or family, but in many ways, that's part of the what makes is the magic age that it is. I am becoming the person I dreamed about all those years ago, and it feels amazing

     Many of you are asking: How is it going? Do you like France? What are you doing? And the truth is, I could answer many different ways. I could say, yes it`s going really well, I don't want to go home! or I could say I miss my family and friends, and the ease of people around people who speak the same language as me, both culturally and orally. Both answers would be correct, but which would you rather hear? I could say I like France! It`s beautiful and new and exciting. I could tell you about how I ate escargot and how the toilet paper comes in all the colors of the rainbow. I could also tell you that French people are more closed off and I am embarrassed to speak in French which makes it even harder to talk in school and make friends. Both are equally true. As for what I am doing, right now I am writing this "check-in" in English, and wearing traditional Moroccan slippers (babouch)  I got on my recent trip to Morocco! Not very French of me, but hey! I`m American. An American who likes to experience as many different cultures as possible.

     I was lucky enough to be able to spend almost two weeks in Marrakech Morocco! It was amazing, even though travel abroad while on exchange is actually discouraged by my program. It is said to be disruptive, but in many ways it helped me. In France, I go to school, and speak French as much as I can, but there are usually English speakers as back-ups if I need them. Before I went to Morocco, I had definitely taken this for granted. While in Morocco, I was seeking out the francophone, because for the first time French was the easier language, though it was not necessarily always at hand. I would ask people, do you speak French? And for the first time, I wasn't necessarily the one struggling to communicate and searching for words. I have come so far already, I may be embarrassed by my accent, and scared of saying the wrong thing, but I came here to learn and that's what I am doing. This is an accomplishment worth celebrating, just in time for the turn of my 16th year.

Check in 4: Life in France

Hey everyone!
     I know it`s been WAY too long since I last checked in. I have been in France for a month and a half now, which is absolutely crazy to think about. I have been away from home longer than ever, but I can feel all the love and support your sending me, even though I am almost 5,000 miles away. And trust me, I am well aware of the distance, I spent what felt like a full week traveling.

    Traveling was one of the most disorientating parts, and ever since I arrived my idea of time hasn`t been very accurate. As I have told some of you, it felt like I kept leaving place after place, but was never going to arrive at my final destination. I left school at the end of the semester, but I stayed in Colorado. Then I finally left Colorado, but I stayed in The States (New Jersey). After that it was New York, but I still wasn`t actually leaving! I was just there for orientation. After New York, it was Switzerland, then finally Paris, but again I still wasn't there yet. Finally it was Nancy and then Maizieres Les Metz, with my host family at last. Just the other day, I was in French class, and when the bell rung, I actually couldn`t decide if it was the end of class or not. Had it been an hour, or just five minutes? 5 minutes. Maybe in a few more months I will be back on track, just in time to do it all again on.

     It`s weird to try and recall all that`s happened. Especially now, when coming here feels so long ago.There is just no way I can express all that's happened, the good, the bad, the overwhelming. But as cheesy as this is, it really is life changing. Not because I am changing very much, but more like I am discovering new things about myself. For example: trains really do stress me out, probably more than other form of transportation, and I greatly appreciate a smiling face:) But I`ll save all that boring stuff for another day. Honestly I am having a hard time pinpointing things to talk about, so feel free to ask questions and comment and I will try to respond when I can! But keep in mind, this is my first blog post abroad, and I have already been here for more than month, so don`t hold your breath! Instead sign up to be on the email list, so the computer will check for you<333